Inside Jokes
by Harry Artemis Jackson
Summary: A collection of unrelated one-shots that give the AF characters some inside jokes. Will only be updated if I have inspiration. All take place after TLG.
1. I: Parachutes

**A/N: Okay, this is something I thought of recently. Basically, it'll be a collection of one-shots that give some of the characters an inside joke. This first one is between Holly and Artemis, and yeah, it's kind of OOC. **

**Disclaimer: The characters of Artemis Fowl and the plotline of Pearl Harbor are not mine.**

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I: Parachutes

Holly thumbed her way through the Fowl's DVD collection. "How about this one?" she asked Artemis, pulling the movie _Pearl Harbor_ off the shelf. "Doesn't this have to do with the Mud People's Second World War?"

"Well, yes," answered Artemis. "But I hear it has a romance plotline as well."

But Holly would not be deterred as Artemis had shot down all of her earlier movie ideas. "So you've been told? So you yourself have never seen it? C'mon, Arty, we're watching this."

"All right," sighed Artemis. "We can watch _Pearl Harbor_."

* * *

The movie has been insufferable up to this point, thought Holly. Two best friend guys that liked the same girl, big whoop. Then the one who was dating her died, and the other one closed in. Currently, the two were entering a parachute hanger.

There were parachutes hanging from the ceiling. They entered one, and then:

"Wha?" Artemis's mouth hung open. "Oh my…"

Holly turned her head from the screen and looked at Artemis. "Haven't you ever seen IT before?"

"Well," Artemis began, blushing a deep red," I mean I've READ about it, and I know how it works, but no, I've never seen it before."

"Arty, I bet you're the only sixteen year old that hasn't yet seen it. Heck, I bet you're one of the only guys that haven't DONE it yet."

"Don't be disgusting," Artemis said. "Anyway," he added, a sly smile creeping onto his face, "I bet you haven't done it either." He turned back toward the TV.

"Holy Frond, Artemis, that isn't any of your business!" Holly blushed a deeply.

Artemis was no longer paying her any attention. "I never expected it would look quite like that," Artemis mused aloud.

"Ugh, Artemis, stop it!" Holly left the room and wandered into the kitchen where Butler was sitting, reading. He looked up when she entered.

"Where's Artemis?" he asked.

"Getting his first taste," she answered vaguely.

"Of… What?" Butler pressed on.

"He's watching _Pearl Harbor_," Holly supplied.

"Oh," said Butler looking puzzled. "Oh," he said again as something clicked in his brain.

And all he could do was laugh.

* * *

A few weeks later, Artemis, Holly, Foaly, and Mulch were video chatting.

Mulch and Foaly seemed to have it out for Holly that day, and neither seemed to notice that they had made her a bit down. So, it was up to Artemis to cheer her up. Not something that he was insanely good at, so he said the first thing that popped into his head: "Parachute scene."

Mulch and Foaly looked at him like he was crazy, but Holly began to laugh and laugh as she thought of the situation. Artemis began to laugh too, and Foaly and Mulch wondered just what had they missed.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think? This is actually an inside joke me and some of my friends share. Hopefully, the T rating covers this. I mean, it's never SAID directly, right? Anyway, review and tell me what you think.**


	2. II: Pizza

**A/N: So I'm back, and pretty quickly too! Well, I update when inspiration strikes and dinspiration has struck! I found I really like writing these! Thank you to FowlFanGirl for reviewing first! The "parachute scene" isn't the worst thing I've seen, but it wasn't for kids under maybe 13. Since Mulch and Foaly were left out of the loop last time, this one is about them. It's a little strange, but hopefully you'll like it anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Artemis Fowl series. If this is OOC, that's why.**

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II: Pizza

"Why don't you ever invite Mulch to dinner, sweetheart?" Caballine asked Foaly one day.

"Why?" Foaly cried. "Why? Mulch isn't the kind of guy you have over for dinner, that's why!"

"Come on, invite him over tonight, please?"

The "no" Foaly began to say died in his throat. He couldn't resist Caballine. "Fine," he muttered.

"Oh, this will be wonderful!" Caballine exclaimed. I doubt it, thought Foaly.

* * *

Mulch showed up. Foaly hadn't thought he actually would. But then again, thought Foaly, I guess Mulch never WOULD give up a chance for free food.

Caballine had cooked a delicious meal: spaghetti, vegan meatballs, and chocolate nettle shakes for dessert. Mulch ate three times what Foaly and his wife combined ate (good thing Foaly had warned her to make extra food). And on top of that, Mulch had no table manners whatsoever. Sometimes, he would even unhinge his jaw so that he could stuff more food in there. Foaly was sure that Caballine now understood why he had been reluctant to invite Mulch over.

After the disastrous dinner was over, Caballine seemed rather anxious to get out of the house. "I'm off to Nine Sticks. Be back in about two and a half hours."

The house seemed very quiet once she had left. "So, said Foaly, striking up a conversation, "I had a really weird dream last night. Want to here it?"

"Why not, pony-boy?" Mulch responded.

"Alright then. Well, basically, Holly came up to me and told me that Artemis's parents were slapping each other with pizza. Then it flashed to Fowl Manor, where sure enough Artemis Sr. and Angeline were slapping each other with pizza!"

"Man, Foaly, you were right," said Mulch. "That WAS a weird dream. You are one weird pony! Now you've made me want pizza!"

"There's some in the fridge," Foaly said.

When Mulch had pulled the pizza out of the fridge, he froze. He looked at the pizza, and then he looked at Foaly.

"Do you want to do it?" he asked.

"Do what?" Foaly asked.

"Boy, for a supposed genius, you are really stupid! Do you want to slap each other with pizza?"

There was a moment of silence. 'Okay, why not?" Foaly finally responded.

* * *

Two hours and fifteen minutes later, Foaly and Mulch stood in Foaly's kitchen. Both were covered in sauce from head to toe, both had cheese in places no one should ever have cheese, and both were extremely out of breath and were panting hard.

"Tha-that was fun," gasped Foaly.

"I-I'll say," came Mulch's reply.

Foaly then glanced at the clock. "D'Arvit! Caballine will be home in fifteen minutes! We need to clean this place up fast!"

* * *

When Caballine came home fifteen minutes later, she saw a clean kitchen. Foaly was wearing a new shirt and Mulch had licked his clothes clean.

"Boy, am I famished!" exclaimed Caballine. "I had quite a workout." She headed toward the fridge. "Hey Foaly, what happened to the leftover pizza from last night?"

The room was filled with the sound of hysterical laughter.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think? It was... odd, to say the least. No, the dream didn't come form out of the blue, I did have that dream, but with my friends instead of AF characters. Um, what else. The Nine Sticks thing is a form of martial arts for centaurs mentioned in TLG, if you didn't know. Caballine is said to be at the highest level. So, review, please?**


	3. III: Barf in a Glove

**A/N: It's been a long time since I have updated this, huh? Well, thanks to unhealthy potter obssesor, I had inspiration! UPO herself is the one who did what Artemis does in this oneshot... So it's dedicated to her!**

**Dedication: I dedicate "Barf in a Glove" to unhealthy potter obssesor 'cuz she's awesome like that :)**

**Disclaimer: See if you can catch the slightest of slight A/H in this. Since Eoin Colfer seems unable to give us that, I think we can safely assume that I don't own Artemis Fowl...**

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Chapter III: Barf in a Glove

"I am the person with the highest IQ in Europe, not a test dummy!" Artemis complained. "Why do I have to come along?"

"Because Holly needs a co-pilot and I can't send another LEP officer because this shuttle isn't technically cleared to carry passengers yet. But don't worry, it's my technology after all, so what could go wrong?" Foaly said into Artemis' ear via the enlarged LEP helmet he was wearing.

"Oh right, because your technology always works, centaur. Do I need to remind you of the amorphobots? Of Koboi's stealth shuttle? Of-" Artemis said.

"We get it, Artemis," Foaly said, annoyed. "But you have the best pilot of her generation here. You'll be fine."

Holly climbed into the shuttle and strapped on her harness. "Alright, let's do this, baby!" she said enthusiastically. Her and Artemis both blushed a little at her choice of words. Foaly snorted.

"Yeah, let's do this," said Artemis. His words were noticeably less enthusiastic than Holly's were.

Holly explored the controls of Foaly's latest shuttle design. How weird it felt, to be up at Fowl Manor for a strictly social visit. Foaly had gotten her the clearance, with just a slight catch - that she try out the new Lightning Bolt, as he liked to call it.

It was a sleek and new design, looking futuristic and classic at the same time. Everything was shiny, and Holly could see that the controls would need the barest of her touches to manuever the craft as she wanted. A smile lit up her face. She was in her element.

Artemis, however, was not. His place was behind the scenes, doing the planning, the plotting. He was a mastermind, not a field agent. He felt himself shake slightly.

He tried to ignore his nerves and harnessed himself to the copilot's chair. Basically, his job was to shout out the coordinates of their current position and to make sure Holly kept on track with the map Foaly had programmed into the shuttle. He said that for their help, he had a "surprise" for them at the end.

Holly took off. Artemis tried to concentrate on the holographic screen in front of his face. Holly shot into they sky, flying them at breakneck speed. She smiled to herself and began to do a series of loop-the-loops and corkscrews.

Artemis felt himself go pale. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'I'm not feeling so well...'

* * *

Holly realized, when they were about halfway there, that Artemis looked positively green. So did Foaly.

"'D'Arvit, Holly! He's gonna burst! Land now, do you realize how expensive this prototype was to build?" Foaly looked panicked.

Holly landed the shuttle quickly, but it was obvious that he was not going to make it until they were able to disembark. She began rummaging through her pockets and handed him the first thing she could possibly find.

Artemis promptly took off his modified LEP helmet and barfed in the glove she handed him. "Thanks," Artemis said, blushing furiously. "And I'm sorry for, you know, barfing in your glove."

"Don't worry about it," Holly said. "What are friends for, after all?" She took off again, at a MUCH slower pace this time.

* * *

When they touched down, Artemis was meditating to keep his stomach at bay, his one hand holding Holly's barf-filled glove as far away from his body as possible.

Foaly began to chuckle. "You do realize that you just puked in you girlfriend's glove?"

"She's not my girlfriend!" Artemis exclaimed, blushing for the third time that day.

"Then why are you on a date?" Foaly asked, his voice seemingly innocent.

"What in Frond's name are you talking about?" Holly asked, blushing as well. Her hand was curled into a fist, although there was nothing to punch that would make her feel better.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" Foaly said. The two best friends exited the shuttle cautiously.

They were in a large open field. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny. Laid out was a picnic lunch, containing tons of vegetarian picnic foods.

"Wow..." said Holly. The simple gesture had stunned her. "Thanks a ton, Foaly."

"No problem," said Foaly. "You guys helped me out. Also, I'll do anything to help my two best friends realize their obvious affection for each other."

"Don't push your luck, Donkey Boy," Holly growled. Foaly just snickered.

* * *

When Artemis and Holly arrived back at Fowl Manor, Butler was waiting to greet them. "How was your...whatever that was?"

"Oh, it was just like any get together between two friends. We hung out, talked, joked, had a picnic lunch, and I barfed in Holly's glove."

"What?"

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**A/N Is my life weird or what? XD Please review! **


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